


Arkansas

by Rulerofyouall



Series: Lucifer (TV) One Shots [1]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Gen, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 00:24:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13201752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rulerofyouall/pseuds/Rulerofyouall
Summary: Lucifer refuses to admit that he is wrong and goes to desperate lengths to prove a lost cause.





	Arkansas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SilverWolf7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverWolf7/gifts), [RatchetFangirls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RatchetFangirls/gifts).



> Heeeyyy I decided to do a one shot collection whenever I get an idea.  
> I own nothing so sorry if anyone is out of character  
> THIS WAS WRITTEN AT 5 AM WITH NO SLEEP SORRY IF IT IS CRACKY

Lucifer let his chair rise and fall as he sat there bored in the precinct. Chloe shot him dirty looks every now and then with the occasional gesture to a pile of paperwork.

"But detective, that's boring!" He pouted ever so slightly.

Chloe rolled her eyes. "Not everything can be fun and exciting, Lucifer."

"Why not?" The Devil blinked, and the chair stilled.

"You have to rest sometimes, take a break, you know?" She stared at him. "Not everything can be so fast paced all the time."

Lucifer protested, "But I am a top hat, detective! I can't be a shoe."

"Whatever. Do your paperwork, okay?" Chloe stared at him.

The Devil sank down very low in his chair.

"Lucifer." The detective used a voice she normally reserved for Trixie.

"All right! Fine. Bloody hell, detective, when you take control like that, I get-"

"Paperwork!"

A little bit later on, Satan finally got to a paper specifically about one victim. Mary Scott was in Los Angeles on vacation with her husband Darren and her two kids Rebecca and Grant before she was found dead in their hotel room by the remaining three family members.

Lucifer read the rest of the paper in interest. It seemed like there was some punishing to be done.

Chloe looked delighted that he was that far into the paperwork. "After you finish with that, we can go check out the crime scene. Detective Greene is stumped, so a fresh pair of eyes are needed."

"I know that this woman is dead. Her eyes aren't fresh anymore, but I do not see the reason in getting two fresh ones for her instead. It isn't like she'll suddenly see again since she's  _dead._ " Lucifer argued.

The detective sighed. "No, Lucifer. It just means that we are going to look at it because some things can be obvious to people who haven't been staring at the same scene for a while that wouldn't be so obvious otherwise."

The Devil accepted this answer and merely skimmed the rest of the paper, eager to get out of the precinct.

Chloe decided against letting Lucifer drive them there, so they took her car. It might not have had as much style as the Devil's did, but it did its job.

"Where are they from anyway?" The Devil rolled down the window and put his hand in the air stream.

The detective did not take her eyes off the road. "Didn't you read the paper?"

"I skimmed." He confessed with a devilish grin.

 _Damn it, Lucifer._  "They are from Arkansas." She pronounced the word correctly.

Lucifer stared at her for a few long moments that felt like an eternity and blinked a few times.

"What?" The detective asked self consciously as she spared him a quick glance.

"Where the bloody hell is Arkansas?" He said the 'saw' part like she did.

Chloe nearly crashed the car. "You don't know where Arkansas is?" She laughed and stared at him during a red light. "Wow, I never would have guessed."

"I have made sure to remember as many toponyms as possible as humanity developed, and never have I come across an 'Arkansas' on a map or in person." Lucifer defended and looked away, crossing his arms defiantly.

She looked amused but ignored the 'as humanity developed' part "You obviously haven't been looking hard enough then."

The Devil considered this. "Well, perhaps it is because not every map has all the names of cities on it." 

Chloe shook her head. "Arkansas isn't a city."

"A town then."

"It isn't a town either."

"A village."

"Nope."

"Is it a bloody hamlet?"

"Definitely not." The detective smirked. "It is a state. You know, one of the fifty of the country you call home?"

Lucifer paused. "No, it's not."

"It is." She argued.

"I assure you, detective, that it is not."

Chloe looked incredulously at him. "Bring up a map of the United States on your phone."

Lucifer felt challenged. "All right then." He knew he was right.

The detective kept driving for a bit, but as soon as she parked her car, the Devil shoved his phone in her face. She sighed. At least he waited until the car was not in motion this time.

"See, detective? There is no Arkansas on the map." He pointed to the screen, pronouncing it 'saw'.

Chloe raised her eyebrows at him. "Yes, there is. It is right there." She pointed at the state.

The Devil looked at the screen and frowned. "No, detective, that is not Arkan _saw_ , it is Arkan _sas._ " He pronounced it 'sas'.

The detective almost started to laugh hysterically as soon as she shut the car door, and the two began to make their way to the crime scene in the hotel room.

"What is it, detective?" Lucifer looked confused.

"You're pronouncing it wrong. It is Arkan _saw_." She enunciated.

He shook his head. "No, it is most certainly not, detective. Can't you read by now like most humans?"

"Obviously." Chloe responded. "And that is how you pronounce it. Can't you read?"

"Of course I can bloody read! There is no bloody 'w' in the word!" He gestured violently at his phone as they arrived at the crime scene.

Ella looked up at the sight of the gestures. "Woah there, do I want to know what you guys are talking about?" She paused. "Yeah, I do."

"We're talking about Arkan _saw_." She said it right.

"No, we're talking about Arkan _sas_. Arkan _saw_  doesn't bloody exist." Lucifer crossed his arms heatedly.

Dan snorted from across the room.

"Daniel, do you have something you want to share?" It was obvious that Lucifer was getting heated over this subject.

He grinned. "You do know that she is right, right?"

The Devil glared at him and definitely  _did not_  pout. Definitely not.

"It is Arkan _saw_." Ella stood up from where she crouched over the body. "Though, I guess it is a common mistake for people who didn't grow up knowing that to make." She shrugged.

Lucifer felt betrayed. He would have to talk to Dr. Linda about this in their next session.

"If it is Arkan _saw_ , why did they spell it Arkan _sas?_ " He argued.

"It is a silent 's.'" Dan replied with an explanation.

 _Blasphemy! Sacrilege!_  Lucifer frowned. "Are you going to be telling me that bloody Kan _sas_ is Kan _saw_  now?"

Ella shook her head. "No, that one is just Kan _sas_."

The Devil suddenly felt like flipping a table, but he refrained from his desire to help ensure that whoever killed Mary Scott got the punishment they deserved. What the bloody hell, America?

It was obvious that he had been silent for a bit too long when Dan suddenly asked, "Are you all right, man?"

"Why is it Kan _sas_  but not Arkan _sas_? They are spelled the same bloody way!" Lucifer was frustrated.

Ella's voice suddenly came from around the corpse. "She had to have known her killer, guys! She was stabbed at close range from the front, so she would have seen him!"

"She was only on vacation here." Chloe left Lucifer hanging as he brooded. "She can't have known very many people."

"Family? Hotel staff?" Dan was completely professional again.

"Definitely suspects. We're going to bring them in and question them."

It should have been an open and shut case since the entirety of the hotel staff had alibis, but Darren Scott refused to confess. He wouldn't confess to Dan; he wouldn't confess to Chloe.

"Lucifer, go do your mojo thing with him." Chloe stared at the guy through the one way glass.

"Of course, love." He was still thinking about that bloody state.

Darren looked up in surprise as the Devil stormed into the room and sat down on the table in a way that put his butt right in front of the guy. The suspect stared a bit, causing the Devil to laugh.

"Do you see something you like, Darren?" The Devil raised an eyebrow.

The suspect didn't answer, but he did finally raise his gaze to meet Lucifer's.

"Before we begin, I have an unrelated question. You can answer it, and it probably won't hurt you." He crossed his legs right in front of the guy.

"What is it?" Darren looked confused.

Lucifer grinned. "You aren't from California. No, you are from a different state, so tell me: is it Arkan _sas_  or Arkan _saw_?" He knew that the detective's face was probably in her palm by now, but he didn't care.

"Is this some sort of interrogation trick?" He was suspicious.

"No, so answer me."

Darren blinked before shrugging. "Arkan _saw_ , man."

"No, it can't be that. That isn't how it is spelled, and Kansas is pronounced right." He argued with the suspect.

"Arkansas is the French plural for a Native American tribe, and Kansas is merely the English version of one." He answered.

Lucifer contemplated on this for a little while. "You said you are innocent of killing your wife, and since that is obviously not true, I can't trust you on that."

"Then, why did you ask me?" Darren judged him and looked down, staring at his ass again.

Lucifer did not answer that. "Look into my eyes, Darren. They are not in my bum." He leaned forward ever so slightly.

He instinctively looked up.

"Tell me: what is it you desire?" 

The man couldn't fight the Devil off. "I desire....to be balls deep in that perfect ass of yours."

Lucifer mock gasped. "Really now? I never would have guessed."

The suspect finally came out of his stupor. "Why did I say that?" He asked himself quietly.

The Devil narrowed his eyes at the man. "Your wife is dead, and you don't even want her back? You don't want anything for the kids. You already have your wife's old plantation house from the nineteenth century, something you only got due to her death."

Darren didn't look at him.

"How about we make a deal?" Lucifer offered.

He looked up in hope for a second. "What?"

"Your end will be to tell the truth, what truly happened on camera for our dearest detectives," he winked at them through the glass.

"And in return?" The man inquired eagerly.

The Devil smirked. "I'll allow you to touch my bum at the very least. Possibly more if the detective allows it."

"I want-"

"To penetrate my rear end." Lucifer finished for him. "Unfortunately, darling, the detective doesn't like it when I show prowess in that area."

Darren considered this. "Fine."

"And darling, know that I will know if you lie on camera."

Satan stood up and allowed himself to be groped by the suspect, not looking to the glass. He knew that the detective was probably disappointed even if he didn't really know why. Sex was currency, right? Just like it had been in Hell.

"I believe that is quite enough now, darling." The Devil turned back. "Do smile for the camera; they like it when they do."

He left the room.

Darren Scott was arrested fifteen minutes later.

"What the hell was that?" Chloe looked at him incredulously. "You let yourself get groped by the murderer!"

"It was the only way to get him to talk, detective! You heard his desire." Lucifer defended himself.

The detective nodded. Was Lucifer okay about that? Sure, he was the one who suggested the deal in the first place, and he was generally okay with sexual things. More than okay, actually. But was he okay with the man, that murderer having such blatant desires to have sex with him? And then he allowed himself to be groped to get a confession....

He was probably okay. He was Lucifer.

But still...

"You are going to have dinner with Trixie and I tonight. It is game night." Chloe ordered him. "You aren't allowed to say no."

Later on, Lucifer stood very stiffly as the eight year old girl clung to him like plastic wrap.

"Hello, spawn." He greeted.

"Lucifer! It's game night; you have to come and play with us!" She dragged him into the living room.

This time, the game was Sorry. Lucifer raised an eyebrow. What did anyone have to be sorry for? The strong survive and win, and the weak die pathetic deaths.

"I'm blue." Chloe claimed the blue pieces.

The Devil stared the child down and slowly dragged the four red pieces to his corner, not breaking eye contact. Trixie shrugged and chose the yellow ones.

"Spawn, I have a question for you." Lucifer started.

She perked up as she moved her piece forwards and the game continued. "Yes?"

"Is it Arkan _saw_ or Arkan _sas_?" He asked very seriously, and the detective snorted in the background.

"Arkan _saw_ , silly." Trixie stated that like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Lucifer pushed himself onto the couch and lay face first, his face in a pillow. Chloe rolled her eyes.

The child blinked. "Just wait until he hears about Illinois, mommy!"

"What the bloody hell is an Illinois?" Lucifer's voice was muffled by the pillow.

"A state. Sorry, Lucifer."

The Devil looked up. "What for?"

His red piece was back at start.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have suggestions, please send them in!


End file.
